Mom mondays - How to fight in your marriage

Now before any of you get too disappointed, this is not a blog about how to physically fight in your marriage. This is how to fight spiritually in your marriage. This is what I have learned from my Mom's example - I am very blessed to have a godly example of a wife and mother in her!

If you have not seen the movie, War Room, you should! It is a very powerful picture of what can happen when we allow God to fight our battles for us. My favorite character of the movie is Mrs. Clara - a very spunky, elderly lady who loves the Lord and seems to talk with Him as if He is standing right next to her. This is what she says to a woman who is in a struggling marriage:  

"Just because you argue a lot doesn't mean you fight well."

What are ways that we can fight well?

1. Pray that God would bind the devil. 

The number one way that the devil combats the church is through destroying marriages. If we are too busy fighting each other - we definitely do not have time to do what God requires of us. This is how the devil cripples the church so that she cannot proclaim the gospel. One of the most powerful scenes from "War Room" is when she goes through her home like a crazy woman telling the devil that he is not welcome there. Watch the scene on youtube here. Can you tell I love this movie? If you haven't seen it, you should! 

2. Pray that God would fight for you.
If there is abuse going on - God has established authorities to protect you - contact them. But for any other disagreements, let God do your fighting for you. If he is a Christian, pray that your husband would be the man God has called him to be. Here is a list of verses you can pray for your husband. 
If he is not a Christian, pray that he would see his need for a Savior and be won over by your actions "WITHOUT A WORD." (I Peter 3:1) That is pretty powerful if you think about it! Which brings me to my next point:

3. Pray that God would change your attitude.
"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4) Sometimes taking a step of action comes first, and then the change in attitude follows. Find ways to encourage your husband and thank him for things that he has done and does daily. Put things in perspective - what would it be like if you did not have a husband at all? Write him a note or leave a small gift somewhere that he will find it : )

4. Keep it between you, him, and God (as a general rule)

Do not talk badly of him behind or in front of his back. "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." (Proverbs 31:12) This can be difficult if you are experiencing recurring issues. The last thing that you want to do is go to your parents or a close friend when you are having problems. Even though they may give great advice, they are biased towards your side of the story. Before Stephen and I got married, we agreed on a couple that we would take our problems to if things got "hairy." We chose a couple who knows us equally as well and and who we knew would point us to the truth of God's word instead of just what we wanted to hear.

4. Submit to your husband 
Unless he is asking you to sin (do something immoral or illegal) then let him call the shots - even if it is inconvenient for you.

A lot of what I learned when we first got married was about time management. I was so used to living the break-neck speed single life that I forgot I was sharing my life now with someone else. My husband has taught me a lot about not always having to say "yes" and how I do not have to be involved in something just because it is a good thing. Just because it is something good does not mean it is necessarily what God wants me to do. But I do know that God clearly says:

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of which he is also the Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in EVERYTHING." (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Chances are, the more you listen to his advice, the more he will value what you think because he knows you value what he thinks. My husband asks my opinion on a lot of things before he makes a decision, but he doesn't have to. Ultimately, he carries the weight of his decision, but he consults my opinion most of the time. "The heart of her husband trusts in her." Proverbs 31:11 

5. Do not hold past mistakes over his head.

A lot of husbands become passive and cease leading because they are afraid of doing the wrong thing and upsetting their wives. What is your attitude like when things do not go your way? I know that I am quick to overreact when I misjudge my husband's intentions are instead of simply talking with him about it. So, one Sunday morning, God pierced my soul with this verse from 1 Corinthians 13. Now, this is one of the most well known passages in the entire Bible, so my tendency was to tune out and say "oh, I know this one." But God got a hold of my heart and said:

"Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps NO RECORD OF WRONGS." 1 Corinthians 13:5

Now, your husband is human, he is not Jesus, so he is going to make mistakes. When this happens, let him know that he hurt you and then LET IT GO. He may apologize or he may not, do not continue to keep that sin "on record" and keep bringing it up. 

If Stephen tells me his reasoning for doing something - I should believe him (unless it is obvious he is not telling me the truth - but my husband has never given me a reason not to trust him, so I should believe the best about him). Think of it as "innocent until proven guilty." And be sure you are not the lawyer taking him to trial TRYING to prove him guilty. Do not try to bring him to repentance - that is the job of the Holy Spirit - not yours. 

One piece of advice from our Pastor I will end with is to "stop reading each other's mail" - essentially, stop thinking about how your husband is failing to obey God and focus on what God has asked you to do:

"to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to [your] own husbands, THAT THE WORD OF GOD BE NOT REVILED." Titus 2:5

You will probably start to enjoy married life a lot more if you follow this advice - I honestly never thought that marriage would be this fun! Stephen and I both got many lectures before we got married about how horrible and difficult marriage is - but that has not been our experience. Doing things God's way may seem difficult from the outside, but it is actually the easy way! Trying to control other people's responses and actions can be very exhausting - trust me - I know from experience! And you will find yourself a lot more thankful for your husband when you are not focused on all the things he is NOT doing. Don't forget to thank him for the things that he DOES do!

Thank you, Momma, for being a godly example of how to fight well - I love you!